“Gays Are Choosing Lust Over Love”

HeadshotWritten by: Stefano Patton
April 2015

On a chilly February night, at approximately 11:30, I invited a guy with a dark complexion, shaved head, and solid build over to play with a “then-boyfriend” and me. My request: WEAR LONG BLACK SOCKS AND BLACK BOXER-BRIEFS; it’s a fetish of mine – I lust after this image. My favorite colors are black and charcoal grey. There is something seductive about that attire and specifically in that color. Whenever I see a man in that exact attire, it gives me an extra incentive to bottom well – very well ;). Throughout my experiences in dating, there have been times when this attire has made me, without a doubt, fall in lust.

I recently asked my friend with benefits when did he know he was in lust with his last boyfriend. He replied, “I was in lust/love in April when he took care of me when I got sick.” Being my normally controlling and combative self, I had to correct him.

“I asked you about lust, not love. Surely one comes before the other.” His rebuttal, “they are the same thing.” Again, he had to be corrected. Lust is about mere tangible attractive features. For instance, his new Jordan sneakers, his BMW 6 series, the fact that he is 6’2,” has a body fat percentage of 2 and has a full beard (no shoe polish on it to give the illusion of thickness). On the contrary, love is tangible and intangible actions that make you feel valued and respected as a human being. I personally would sacrifice for love but never for lust.

There is nothing wrong with lust; it is healthy and vital even in a committed relationship. Sometimes however, lust can be a hindrance to potential relationships. You know that list I rattled off earlier–well being 6’2’’ and having a beard are actually on my list of strong sexual motivators. I’ll even admit, I damn near will start a relationship with you (in my head) if you have those two qualifiers! While it is all fun and games for me to impishly chase after a man that I idolize because of physical prowess, it has affected a few potential relationships and actual relationships.

When did I become so simple? I think a joke got a hold of my soul, or maybe it was Jack’d. Now there are simple things that I have lusted after–a particular haircut for instance, the undergarment fetish I have, the beard…etc. However, there are simple remedies for these. I was seeing a man once and I withheld sex until he bought new underwear. It wasn’t that they weren’t black, it was the fact that all his underwear were 8 years old with bleach stains and holes!

I once hated a boyfriend’s haircut. I slyly played in his hair at lunch one day and when I saw a guy with a haircut I liked, I nonchalantly suggested he should try something like that. Another boyfriend of mine wondered why I always showed people we were inviting over for threesomes an old picture of him when he had a beard (before he met me). I told him that I LOVED that look on him so he grew out his beard and still wears it to this day. I’ve gotten every guy since him (who I’ve been remotely serious with) to grow out his facial hair. These transformations have all been harmless, but other instances may not.

My fetishes for certain attributes and things have definitely ruined some romantic relationships. I’m not sure when I became one of those “Jack’d boys”, but I did. Now I am hardly ever negative. For instance, I’d rather list my wants rather than my dislikes. However, I’ve had several instances when I have passed up some really great guys because they let their body slip while we were dating. I would stay to entertain them with my company, but as their bellies started to bulge and their biceps started to diminish, my disdain for sex with them grew. There were times when my sex drive was high and because someone (a serious someone) did not have on exactly what I wanted I refused to have sex.

The worst instance has to be the height requirement. While 6’2’’ is an excessive demand, I really do prefer 5’11’’ at least. I have to admit, there was a time in a relationship when I foolishly stopped respecting my significant other because he was all of 5’9.” Now of course there were other factors involved, but unfortunately height did play a part. Crazy right?

I am learning and coping with the fact that the things we lust after should be just that–NOT requirements. I am a firm believer that we all must be attracted to the person we lay with whether it’s for a day or for years. However, caricatures of masculinity or the male physique should never dictate your physical preferences. What I am constantly asking myself as I learn to deprogram is, are these my sexual desires in which I’m lusting after, or are they desires influenced by society? Are these fantasies limiting my chances at love?

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