Coming Out…Again…and Again

We all eventually go through what is notoriously known as the “coming out” process. For some it happens in our teenage/young adult years and for others it may happen later in life. Regardless, what we have in common is that mutual feeling of liberation once it’s done and over with!

Finally, no more hiding and sneaking around or referring to Brian as “Brianna.” You finally overcame that big hurdle and you’ll never have to go through that again—or so you think.

You may go by the motto, the people who matter know and the people who don’t matter don’t need to know. Well what happens when you get a new job or transfer to a new school? What happens when the new group of women that surround you suspect something and the new group of dudes feel a disconnect from you compared to the effortless bond they created with the other guys in the “office” (lets run with the new job example)?

Lets face it, hetero men tend to bond with other men by talking about two things: women and sports. Okay maybe you can keep up a little when sports is the topic of conversation, but when they start talking about how “bad” Tammy is who works in the marketing department, how do you continue that “brotherly bond” without having to come out…AGAIN!?

The most obvious sign of gayness is femininity, so gay men who portray this extreme side of the spectrum may not run into this issue. For those who fall somewhere in the middle or on the opposite end of the spectrum, things may be a bit fuzzier.

For me, situations like this are always a constant struggle. You’ll never hear me open up about my sexuality to anyone unless they ask or if we are becoming close friends or associates. The majority of me feels that it’s not my responsibility to come out in every new social situation just to make OTHERS feel more comfortable. So when having the conversation about “Tammy,” you may hear me make comments like “yeah she’s attractive” or “well maybe you should go talk to her.”

The OTHER side of me feels that by coming out all over again to a new group of people, who you may be dealing with on a regular while wanting to be included in “regular conversation (non-work related),” it’s somewhat necessary to come out. Not that sexuality defines anyone, however it can give others a better understanding of what perspective you may be coming from.

That distant gap between you and your other heterosexual male coworkers may be filled once they have a better understanding of certain aspects of your being (a.k.a. once they find out you gay as fuckkkkk…lol kidding). Just to drive this idea home a bit more, the perspectives of heterosexual men and women are pretty much understood, therefore interactions between men and women play off of that understanding. So when an individual knows that you’re coming from the perspective of a gay man, when making comments like “yeah Tammy pretty,” guys may not look at you sideways because they already know that you’re not looking at Tammy in a sexual way.

Sidenote: I really hope I’m making sense lol



In this post, I’m in no way offering a correct answer on how to handle these types of situations, but for myself, it is a constant battle when sometimes I honestly just want to “blend in.” It seems as though when you’re not open about your “gayness,” people automatically assume that you’re hiding it, uncomfortable with it, or they always seem to be curious about it.

Personally, I can sometimes tell just from the looks I get and how people delicately approach conversation with me that they’re not 100% comfortable—meaning they’re still trying to “figure me out.” It’s kind of understandable because in they’re mind, all of my cards aren’t laid out on the table for them to see.

After all, it does seem that people dictate their social habits based on sexuality. Girls hang with their “girlfriends” while dudes hang with their “bros.” So when you throw a gay guy in the mix like myself, how does one quite blend in without having to go through extremes?

Can you guys relate to where I’m coming from with this post or am I the only who goes through this battle of the decision of “coming out” over….and over….AGAIN? I would love to hear what you all have to say so feel free to leave a reply on this post.

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